The Lame Conformist Live Journal of Confucius

Bleh

Thu, 10 Dec 2009 18:22:05 GMT

I'm a mess. Depression and anxiety are at a yearly peak. Death has somehow made my existence seem even more bleak, and the seemingly parent-less youth of Pigtown and their unreasonable grudge against my friends have re-aggravated my anxiety. I am so overwhelmed by everything that I really don't know what to do with myself. I come home from work and commence a series of activities to try to distract myself from basically every aspect of my life.

I know I need to get back into hanging out and being around people, but at times like these I always wonder who would want to hang out with a downer like me. It's unfair to friends, and I just feel worse when I realize that I'm bringing them down and they want to leave.... And I really have no perspective. I felt good about my friendships briefly following the memorial show for Kevin. People were together and supportive... But the death of my dog feels like a much more personal and lonely grieving process. I didn't go out of my way to tell people how much he meant to me when he was alive, and now I'm not comfortable just springing that on someone in an effort to gain sympathy.

The bottom line is that his existence was a constant source of reassurance. Having a long term connection to an animal... there's just nothing like it. That unconditional love was huge for me. It was open to my own interpretation, but it was hard for me to doubt. As long as he was alive, I couldn't forget that at least SOMEONE felt the same about me as I did about him.... And now I feel completely alone. I have my parents, and their obligatory love and support, but there is still a generational disconnect and lack of fluid communication. Other than that, who should give a shit about me? People have their own lives and their own favorite people, and I just sit around wishing I could connect with anyone on a deeper level. I'm going through the motions like never before. I really don't know what I do it for. I don't respect myself enough to work hard for me, and I really don't know why else I should try. I mean, it's not like I'd been trying that hard, but at a moment like this, I wonder why I should get out of bed. My ranting is becoming a depressed person's cliché but it's accurate right now. I haven't felt this way in a while, but if I woke up wondering why I'm doing what I'm doing, I'd never get out of bed, and I feel like my routine isn't going to be enough for much longer. My life comes down to the moments when I'm sitting alone in my room, wondering if anyone out there is really in it with me. I no longer have Pippin to fall back on, and thus feel completely empty... There has to be something to live for. I'm open to suggestions.

I'm surprised I was able to write this much, considering how blank my mind seems now whenever I am engaged in conversation.

Pippin

Thu, 03 Dec 2009 16:22:09 GMT

My dog died on Tuesday. He didn't recover from surgery to remove a tumor from his liver. He was my best friend through high school and beyond. Without him, I would have been truly alone. He is my favorite creature in the history of the universe.

Be Forewarned

Mon, 19 Oct 2009 16:26:44 GMT

The days are short enough that I am now officially entrenched in my winter funk. I will be completely hopeless until sometime in March or April. Adjust your interactions with me accordingly.

Those Little Moments in Life...

Tue, 29 Sep 2009 17:23:20 GMT

I was leaving my office building at work to go to lunch. As I walked my bike towards the exit, a group of four female students suddenly stopped in the doorway to continue their once-mobile conversation. I glared, one apologized, and they moved half-a-step to one side, still blocking most of the doorway.
Something like this would often enrage me, but I glanced back a the nice security guard who has been working in the building for at least 30 years; she was staring at the door-blockers over her glasses. I smiled at her and she just shook her head. I laughed out loud and grinned for quite a while. My day was suddenly brightened.
As I went to the cafeteria, a Division of Corrections officer even held the door for me.
I ate my lunch and then biked to another building to do more work. I entered the building wearing my I.D. badge, as always. There were three security guards at the desk, rather than the usual ONE. They were talking and laughing with a couple other people whom I believe were police officers. I smiled at the security guard who is normally on-duty, and walked towards the elevators.
Then I hear, "Sir?"
I keep walking.
"Excuse me, sir."
It was the guard closest to the door. She has a white had and an all-white uniform which must be indicative of some sort of "high" rank.
I turn around, she sees my badge, and says, "O.K."
O.K.?!?! No!! It's not fucking O.K.!! Can't one of you THREE people do the MOST IMPORTANT part of your job, and notice when someone walks through the fucking door?!?!?! Fuck!!!!!!
I wanted to bitch her out but I just kept walking, yelling quietly to myself, and punched (literally) the button for the elevator.
A great experience with a security guard had left me in a good mood, and then a poor experience with another had reversed those positive feelings.
A couple of suits joined me on the elevator. One tried to make small talk and then shut up. Halfway up, I realized that the silent one was Peter Angelos.
My mind raced: How best to casually voice my support for the Orioles spending some big money on the free agent market this offseason?
I decided I wasn't totally positive yet that this was indeed Peter Angelos (he wasn't as ugly as I had expected), and either way he would probably be pissed no matter what I tried to say to him. So, I got off at my floor and that was that.... Thinking back, I'm pretty sure neither of the two wore a security badge, and neither of the two were stopped by security...
I like to summarize my entries somehow; wrap up the overall picture... but this is a tough one. One good, negated by one bad, twisted by one unexpected, intriguing interaction.... I guess I'd rather have experienced all three than none at all.... You might even call that a positive, almost optimistic view... so.... that's cool....
Things are looking... up?
You decide.
I can't.

glorious

Fri, 18 Sep 2009 18:16:17 GMT

Just saw this <a href="http://www.ultimate-guitar.tv/guitar_lessons/tom_morello_promenade_guitar_lesson.html"target="_blank">guitar lesson</a> from Tom Morello. The solo is so sick. There's a clip from a live set at the end, or you can check the whole thing on <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fYfuNpGOOu0"target="_blank">YouTube</a> with an intro similar to the one from "Revolver". I feel he is more fun to watch than any other living guitar player.... Probably second all-time to Hendrix, in my opinion.

If you close your eyes, it sounds like Barack Obama is teaching you how to shred.

Thu, 17 Sep 2009 17:13:36 GMT

Little old black lady: Excuse me.
Metro guy in sunglasses with legs spread across three seats: (no response)
Little old black lady: Son! I know your balls can't be that big. Close your damn legs!
(other people laugh, and Metro guy closes legs)

--N Train

Doubt

Tue, 08 Sep 2009 17:34:11 GMT

I have so many personal issues that I feel like I shouldn't even be trying to enjoy myself. I should be using my free time to engage in whatever activity it is that fixes these problems... Of course I have no fucking clue what I can do to fix said issues, but I'm still gonna feel awful about myself for not being able to fix them. My brain is an asshole.

Fun!

Tue, 25 Aug 2009 15:00:37 GMT

Went to my first ever Ravens game last night. It was the shit. Went with good peoples. Seats were upper deck in the corner of one endzone but the view was surprisingly good. Just viewing the empty-ish field from that spot was incredible. Announced attendance was 70,335! Goddamn!
Ravens beat the Jets 24-23.
Rex Ryan went for a 2 point conversion with 22 seconds left, and they failed. Probably just didn't want to play overtime on the road during the preseason.
First quarter was awesome.
First play from scrimmage: Mark Sanchez has Ray Lewis flying at him, trying for the sack. He tosses the ball toward his fullback, but instead finds none other than HALOTI NGATA! Ngata returns the pick 20-some yards for the TD.
On Sanchez's next passing attempt from near the same spot, he throws the ball right at Ray Lewis, who read his eyes beautifully, but Ray couldn't hold on.
"I didn't want that one until the regular season," Lewis said.
Later, the Ravens have the ball on the 3 yard line. Flacco drops back, fakes a short pass and hands the ball off behind his back to Ray Rice on the ol' Statue of Liberty play. Rice barrels into the endzone.

As The Sun put it: "When the Ravens' starting defense left at the end of the first quarter, it was firmly in the head of Sanchez. The first-round pick out of Southern California had one completion and two delay-of-game penalties."

Second team and beyond did all-right. Tough to judge. But a win's a win.

sleep

Mon, 10 Aug 2009 19:07:22 GMT

been setting recent personal records for hours slept in a single night. A few weeks ago I slept for 18 hours... Then this weekend I slept through all of Sunday except for about an hour when I woke up around 10 PM. I popped some sleeping pills, watched a couple eps. of King of the Hill and went back to sleep. About a 30 hour period including that hour of TV. Sunday would've been a good day for basketball... But today's the worst. Unsafe air quality, heat, humidity, and such.... It sure is hard to wake up from over a day in a reclining position.

hottest day of the year

Mon, 10 Aug 2009 15:17:56 GMT

Supposed to get up to 97 degrees... and yet I'm wearing heavy, long pants and was so cold I had to put on my hoodie.

Why must the air conditioning be set so cold? 65 degrees is too fucking cold! 70+ should be fine! It's like this in every building on campus. What a monstrous waste of energy.

what's up in me

Fri, 07 Aug 2009 19:10:09 GMT

anger is coming back. was under control for a week or two. little stuff starting to get to me again.only 2 hours before the end of the work week so i'm gonna try to stay calm. life is wholly unsatisfying, though i have material objects to get me through each day. thoughts returning of one of Vonnegut's favorite phrases: "A life not worth living." I've always felt this way about my life, and perhaps Vonnegut felt the same about his. But at what point does one decide to actually live by this motto? To accept it as an eternal truth and change one's lifestyle accordingly? I've been wondering is my life will ever truly be worth living... I doubt that Vonnegut did anything drastic based on such a belief. Perhaps all he did was seek to change his life until it no longer fit this classification... Well, I certainly never interpreted his words in that manner. Vonnegut's not that cliché and boring.

It all comes down to people. Respect. Interactions.... I just don't get enough from people... Maybe I stopped giving due to lack of reciprocation... I didn't want to stop... But avoiding negative consequences is in the nature of all life... What is one to do?

Why the world sucks

Fri, 07 Aug 2009 16:06:22 GMT

Retail Therapy Soothes Even the Most Troubled Upper East Side Soul

Upper-East-Side lady on cell: I know, but I was at a funeral all day...Yeah, it was sad, but I really didn't know him at all...This saddest thing was seeing his daughters upset. They're the same ages as--Wow! This shirt is only $19!! You can't even buy a freaking Frappuccino for $19! I'm getting it in blue.

--Banana Republic, 86th & 3rd

yup

Tue, 04 Aug 2009 14:51:01 GMT

things have been OK recently. My mood hasn't been awful. Pretty consistent.... Took last monday and tuesday off from work. Just knowing that I had those days coming allowed me to finally catch up on some sleep on the Friday prior: I slept for 18 hours straight... Probably my longest sleep in 6 years or so....
only other stuff coming to mind is movies and tv and video games and such...

Also, I'm the only person that still writes on his or her livejournal anymore.

I'm still the original blogger: blogging when it was just called "angry teens grasping for any sort of attention they can get."
Ask John Hicks. He recently found my old website still online. Apparently it's not that hard to find.

Fri, 24 Jul 2009 17:59:21 GMT

oh, i suck at hiding my anger. Why do business owners seem to take questions with such offense? I ask for an explanation of what one's business does, and I ask another for an explanation of her rather inconsistent prices, and each responds as though I've committed an act of blasphemy. "How dare you question the activities of my business?! I'm a capitalist! You should be kissing my feet for sustaining this great nation with my greed!"

How un-eloquent of me... but it's how I feel. This isn't even about Light Street Cycles and how they fucked me on my bike wheel. This is just about asking genuinely curious questions and being met with short, curt, just plain rude responses. Fucking assholes.

Have I ever mentioned how much I hate money?

Fri, 24 Jul 2009 17:52:11 GMT

I seem to be very good at pissing business owners off through rather professionally written e-mails (if I do say so myself). I'm only being passively dickish, under the guise of curiosity, so how do they pick up on it so well?! Oh, you Baltimore business-owning bastards. What a bunch.

wowza

Thu, 23 Jul 2009 18:54:08 GMT

Season 3, Episode 8 of The Wire: hoooolyyy shiiiiiiit

I definitely saw a couple minutes of this episode several years ago (happened to be the craziest few minutes of the 'sode), and it's what made me realize how insane this show is. Fucking amazing.

I also finally saw the Season 2 finale of Breaking Bad. Perhaps equally amazing.

on to other things.....

Some Fairy Godmothers Are Harsher Than Others

Bimbette #1: So then I found out he hooked up with Amy while I was peeing in the bathroom.
Bimbette #2: Did you still sleep with him?
Bimbette #1: Yeah, of course! Why should I let her have all the fun? I just don't know what to do now, though cause I feel like I had her sloppy seconds.
Random lady sitting in front of them: Girls can you shut the hell up already? I'm trying to enjoy a quiet train ride home. No one here cares who you slept with, we all know you're gonna be with a different guy next week, anyway.
(girls jump up and run out of train car, one in tears)

--Penn Station

Overheard by: Couldn't hold back the laughs

Professor: Of course there was marital harmony! As we all know, the family who cuts drugs together, stays together.

--Fordham Law School

The Hangover

Mon, 20 Jul 2009 18:24:33 GMT

is a hilarious movie. Definitely ranks up there with the elite adult comedies of the past decade or two. Zach Galifianakis completely owns. He makes this movie what it is... plus the directing and editing were very well-done.

The ultimate test: I watched this movie completely sober and still laughed out loud throughout. Great stuff.

hmmm

Thu, 09 Jul 2009 15:19:41 GMT

i remember thinking last night "i have a great topic for an upbeat livejournal entry." I forgot said topic... rats off to ya.

Gran Torino

Thu, 02 Jul 2009 15:46:39 GMT

Great movie. Clint Eastwood can STILL play a badass mofo. No one is better at playing a tough guy with serious depth to his character.

This movie is poignant and intense. Educational, emotional, uplifting, depressing, funny... and did I mention INTENSE? Oh, I did...

My only problem with the movie is a bit of the acting. Some of the younger actors seemed unsure of themselves in early scenes in the film, though it's all smoothed out by the time shit gets wild. I'm a bit surprised that Clint didn't re-shoot these scenes... They do say kids and animals are the hardest to work with.... although, Clint has a kickass yellow lab that's with him for most of the movie. Daisy. Daisy is the shit.

Definitely one of those movies that makes me sit and watch all of the end credits which include an original song written and partially sung by Clint Eastwood for this very film. After hearing Clint talking in his oldest, gruffest voice to date, it's really a beautiful way to end the movie hearing him use that same voice to sing.... He's just amazing.

stress

Mon, 29 Jun 2009 19:23:02 GMT

being locked out of my home is one of the worst feelings ever. I locked myself out a month ago. it was awful.

then I heard I might be locked out today. sinking feeling.

i rushed home and tried my key. it worked fine.

service people need to be less lazy. don't just blame a problem on the most obvious answer. test some shit out. damn.

lately it seems like my life is a series of stressful events followed by eventual relief of this stress. god it sucks. one of my worst personal skills is stress management. I flip out over what most would consider routine problems... it probably explains why I get sick so often. Who has time to fend off disease when LIGHT STREET CYCLES FUCKS UP MY BIKE?!?!?!

but people won't fix my shit properly! so i gotta either yell at them or find a way to contain and calm myself and find a constructive solution. i hate it. it requires so much self-control... and a few years ago i got sick of living a life of self-control. i felt like i was trying harder than anyone to control myself while everyone else had fun and never felt guilty for elevating a dispute... well I can't be the only moderator anymore. I can't be the only person willing to compromise... so i stopped.... and it has ended friendships... though they probably weren't worth having anyway based on the way they treated me....

but goddamn it. i can't live like this much longer.

Funny Shit

Tue, 23 Jun 2009 14:50:47 GMT

Some Emmy-nominated comedic actresses talk about shit. It's funny. Watch the video and then read the article.

Shazzam

my head is spinning, so....

Mon, 22 Jun 2009 19:34:57 GMT

here are a few unrelated thoughts:

-some people need to learn to take a hint and fuck off

-it would be could if other people could make inferences from my lack of hints and hang out

-I don't want to do this anymore

-yes, i meant the universal "this"

-so sick of the mood swings.... and mondays really ruin my swing

-i drink coffee often now... it helps prevent untimely sleep.... i used to love untimely sleep... why prevent it?

-why do i let typical disputes and inconveniences bother me to such a crippling degree?

-why are people such dicks?

-why can't stuff just work?

-can someone help me carry this load? it's really heavy, and i'm oh, so tired.

Why?

Fri, 29 May 2009 13:45:02 GMT

Why did south Baltimore smell like nasty harbor water yesterday? It was nice to feel like I lived near the beach for a minute, but it basically smelled like salty, fishy, damp trash for most of the day. My whole room smelled like it when I was trying to go to sleep. Was there a shift in wind direction or something? There's gotta be some explanation.

Mood Swings

Tue, 26 May 2009 19:27:53 GMT

...ruin my life...

Not too much ridiculous anger recently, other than some scumbag trying to start shit. I literally believe him to be mentally retarded, despite his claims otherwise...

But the down moods... They just drain my desire to do anything... I'm having more trouble passing the time alone... Searching for something to focus on when these foul moods arise... which is almost daily... Making myself feel guilty for the disarray of my home, knowing that guilt just prolongs the time until I finally do something about it... Trying to socialize sometimes helps, but when I'm too down to even try that, I'm stuck... I need something to focus on... something I can do alone that will bring a sense of satisfaction that feels validated without any outside input....

Until then, the cycle continues.....................................................................

Tue, 19 May 2009 20:15:02 GMT

So, I'm walking through Manhattan with Dave, Matt, Gabriel, etc. after the Melvins 25th Anniversary Show. I'm feelin pretty spacey and out-of-it as I normally do after shows, despite the lack of affordable intoxicants at said show.

I randomly see a dude walking towards me, quietly saying something to the woman he is with.
I think, "hmmm... That guys kinda looks like David Cross."

So, just after we pass, I say, "Hi David."
David Cross turns around, "Hi".
Me: How are you?
David Cross: Good.
Me: Good to see you.
David Cross: OK.

It was perfect. My guess is that he was making fun of some random person before I interrupted him.
Then, throughout my 5 second conversation with him, he was making that classic David Cross "who the fuck is this guy?" face. As we parted ways, he gave me what might be called a somewhat sarcastic wave... and you KNOW he must have immediately started making fun of me once I was out of earshot... That shit was awesome.

Now, I hope I'm not one of those celebrity fanatical dudes. I don't think I am... And I know I shouldn't be amazed by this occurance... He probably lives in NYC... Gabriel said we were right near a comedy club (Gabrel also has a friend who knows David Cross, and saw this dude within minutes of my convo with D.C.)... But this is a semi-famous comedian whose work I thoroughly enjoy, and the fact that he's known to rip on random weirdos just made the interaction that much more satisfying....

I sometimes think of what I'd say to people I admire if I ever saw them. Some examples:
Bruce McCulloch: "Brucio!!!" or "Look, a flying pig!!!" but I settled on "Hey, Poo Guy!!!" (while sticking my tongue out and pointing at my asshole, of course)
Conan O'Brien: I dunno... "Vroom, vroom, party starter"?
Jon Stewart: "You're my hero!"
Stephen Colbert: "That guy gets it."

and later that night, for David Cross, i thought of: "Horseapples SUCKED!" or.... "Let's have us a champagne jam!"... damnit, i know I had a good one the other night... I'll post it if I remember it....

Now I gotta go find Bob Odenkirk.

P.S. Melvins rocked, though the sound wasn't great, but the venue (Webster Hall) sucked. Over crowded, and they spent tons of money on fancy bars and lighting while leaving exposed old wallpaper and shit in the stairwells for a vintage effect or something really stupid. 7 dollar beers, too, which I guess is bad even for NYC.
A lot of rumors about the show were untrue, although they did play most (maybe all?) of Houdini, just not in standard order.... Played the Alice Cooper cover from Lysol, as well as the Kiss cover from Houdini... Long, fun set list. Different from their normal set with Big Biz. Sweet.

Oh, and I drove in NYC. I'm gonna brag about that, even though it was just Brooklyn and the middle of the day... I'm still pleased with myself.

THAT IS ALL.